How long should I wait?

Dear Miss Kitty,
I recently broke up with my BF of 4 years and am ready to date. I have been advised that I should wait a while. So what is a reasonable time to wait and if I want to date now, why shouldn’t I?
Kelly B, SANTA BARBARA


Dear Kelly,
Like the IRS, dating has rules and yes, there are strict penalties for coloring out-side the lines. However, unlike dealing with the government, dating rules are set by the self and are subject to change without a congressional hearing and a 10,000 page document that no one will ever read. So why would someone decide to hold off on a nice cold glass of water after a long dry spell? Is there wisdom in just saying no? Is there something or nothing to the saying, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”?

A gentle but clarity filled audit of the past relationship is the first place to start. If one was the leaver, one is usually better equipped emotionally to date sooner than later. Reason being, that by the time one is ready to leave a relationship, the actual relationship has been long filed under finished. For a relationship to reach this status it means that a hearty portion of soul searching has been chewed over for quite some time and the enviable outcome has been well digested. It is rare that a decision to end a relationship of some length ever happens without considerable contemplation in the situation room, with or without a panel of “experts” throwing in their two cents.

Hopefully, during the internal process of processing just why a relationship is no longer serving its occupants, one takes much more than a moment to understand why the end is near. Leaving a relationship is not so much about the other person not taking care of our needs, but the recognition that our needs, once we have defined them, have no possibility of being met. It sounds like the same thing, but it isn’t. Chocolate and Strawberry are both ice cream, but they don’t taste the same do they?

Usually, someone is truly doing the best that they can in a relationship. The best for wherever it is they are in life’s game of live and learn. If they had the emotional ability to do any better, they would, since we all strive for happiness, contentment and peace.

So, if the leaver has done substantial work on the self and is ready in terms of knowing why they left, what they left for and are clear about what was learned from the experience, then bring on those reservations for two! That being said, there will be a lot of reservations of the worst kind if the leaver is trying to fix what was wrong in the last rodeo or is starving for love and or attention.
Darling Kelly, Boys and Girls, to be a desirable member of Club Date, one should have a minimum of relationship baggage and be fairly close to the plug and play ideal. Even over the best lasagna in the world, no one wants to hear about evil-man or women and the hell of the last 4 years.

Leaves need to take a lot of time before they venture forth. They must make sure they are whole, sound and feeling really good and not one bit fragile. Dating is not the time to play fake it until you make it. Being dumped doesn’t feel good, even if in the long run the benefit is like being released from a prison that looked like Disneyland in the 60’s.. Knowing the right time to date is very personal. Really ready to date feels like this: You feel very good about yourself, the past isn’t causing anything in the way of a deadly-strong emotional pull, and you feel excited to journey into the unknown, once again.

Have a naughty day!