Dating Later in Life

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been unable to find anyone who I'd like to have around me for long. It seems like everyone has so much going on already, they don’t want to make the time – the quiet time to really get to know someone. I haven't given up, but as time goes on I am getting less optimistic of finding anyone to love again. I am widowed and maybe I just need to accept that I was lucky enough to find love once and be grateful for that. Maybe the youthful feelings of love unfortunately belong to the young and that's how it is. Do you think mating for old folks is an unnatural act as there is no real purpose from an evolutionary position?? Not to mention, there are complications that were never an issue 50 years ago! Like kids, grandkids, 2 homes and so much stuff! I bet you know a lot of interesting women. Any chance you know an interesting women, 65 and older that is willing to make time to have a relationship?
D.S, Santa Barbara


Dear D,
After a relationship ends (for any reason), the parts that we didn't enjoy (for any reason) become aspects that we now fiercely protect. If a romance made it to an anniversary of consequence - something of very serious value - compromise had to be the foundation it was built upon. After a lifetime of making choices to please or to make living livable, the structure that is now self-imposed can be to our determent. As crucial as boundaries are to keeping the self on a healthy track, too many rules and requirements limit finding love, at all ages.
When people are young, they are willing to try and keep trying. Be it naiveté, hope or a short attention span, they have greater flexibility in what they want, need and are willing to experience. There is less baggage to deal with since the young haven’t had time to accumulate all the things that stick to us as we travel through life.

There are going to be issues that confront someone dating later in life, which are different from the dating contrempts of the early years. As one gets older the hormones that control the lusty side of our love life diminish and with it a lot of the drive that pushes even unsatisfactory souls together. Since that force (regardless of Viagra) is not what it once was, what is left is the strong feelings that make us not want to be alone. The feeling of being wanted, of being cherished and most of all a feeling of being of value to someone in this life. This is not a curse but an incredible blessing. Without the hormone mafia calling the shots, one can want to be with someone just because it feels great to do so, and not because Vinnie Testosterone makes us an offer we can’t refuse.

Wanting to be with someone without the sexual aspect being paramount, opens up wonderful aspects that could never happen when one is chasing or being chased based on lust alone. When a relationship can reconcile the physical to a lesser level of importance, the choice of partners can be far clearer than most people ever experience. At any time, if one can think with a healthy self and the emotions to match, instead of being swept up and into make-believe-romance-based-on-lust-ville one can save a whole lot of heartache and wasted time. How refreshing to be able to feel for someone without being worked like a human chemistry set.

Darling D, Boys and Girls, when we are older we look for experience to keep us safer, but at the expense of possibilities. If two people are both very locked into protecting the way in which they want to live their life because that way has been denied, it is likely that protecting their individualism has become of more value than the compromising that is a relationship. All the stuff that a fully lived life acquires - like children, grandchildren, property and enough furniture to decorate a hotel - are excuses. Everything can be worked out and organized - and besides, it is easier to put things away with four hands.
Have a naughty day!