Norma Jean, Marilyn Monroe, and No One Special

Dear Miss Kitty,
Last night I had a dream that my boyfriend was flirting with Marilyn Monroe and even though I tried I couldn't do anything to get his attention. I just moved out on my own - and based on the dream I suppose I am afraid of losing his attention now that I am not around him as much as I was. I'm usually a very confident person, but what can I do when I'm jealous of something that doesn't even exist?
Dreaming and Confused


Dear Dreaming,
When it comes to the internal struggle between fantasy and reality it is hard to know what side our psyche is pitching for. Exuding a heady combination of confidence and clarity we strut our stuff by day while at night even a peek-a-boo baby doll is no match for a phantom Norma Jean. Is self-confidence as much a specter as the eternal bombshell? Is dreamy insecurity really a comfortable blanket in which to cling to? Could we really know much more about ourselves than we actually allow ourselves to claim?

There is a well known cliché that if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around to hear the sound - was a sound ever made? There is a well known cliché in the world of MK that if a partner falls and you are not around to hear it - they still fell! Actual observation of the fall, regardless of what the falling was over, happened. Even if you don't know it, they do - and sometimes that is enough. It is reasonable to have concern about a partner's activity when they are deep in the forest, without you.

That being said, we have zero direct control over other people (and minimal control over our own zany dreams). What we do have control over is choosing to be with someone that has a similar, if not the same, values system as ourselves. That crucial network of well thought out life choices and boundaries should be in place and understood by all, at all times. A system based on strong and unwavering values is a reliable and trustworthy system - and just the safety-net one needs when making changes to themselves or to the relationship (such as moving out and on to greater independence).

Darling Boys and Girls and Dreaming, think of it as a "code of conduct insurance policy". Taking the time to formulate and write a bullet-proof mutual-of-values relationship policy may take more work than you think. It may need yearly amendments and riders covering scary potential disasters, and it requires regular maintenance via heartfelt communication. Putting such a policy in place is never easy, and both partners agreeing to it will pay the price of hard work and uncomfortable honesty in putting it together. Most couples with the immediate "I want it now" gratification-based way of relating will find it to be not worth the hassle. But for those in it for the long haul, it will be worth every hard-earned penny.
Have a naughty day!