A very complicated yes

Dear Miss Kitty,
Something really bad happened between my husband and myself. He is working though the addiction that messed us up, but as hard as I try to “get over it” I can't. I am not usually one to hold a grudge but I can't help but be very sad and mad that what we lost is gone forever. Is there anything I can do to move forward?
Katie, SANTA BARBARA


Dear Katie,
Aside from investing a large portion of your stock portfolio in tissues the answer is yes but a very complicated yes and truth be told, not easily accomplished. Not without a degree from the University of Radical Acceptance. Throughout our existence life makes available countless situations with no guarantees what-so-ever. We willing line up and sign up for most of them. Children are a phenomenal example of our willingness to traipse into regions unknown. Regardless of whether the pregnancy is planned or a bit like finding out that there are no fireworks on the 5th of July, one knows where the 9 months are headed. Large capital expenditures of very small outfits, more bears and bunnies than a ring toss stand at the fair and a waist line worthy of a NFL line backer are all on the horizon.

We also know that at some point pain, lots of it, will be a known quantity. There is no magic meter to know if labor will be a easy walk in the park or a 36 hours long-death-in-the-face event. And that is the easy part. Years of dedication, serious monetary expenditure and sleepless nights that never really end. There are no guarantees though any of it that the experience will be wonderful and yet, with the worlds population hovering around 6.788 billion, obviously there is something about all the unknowns that we are willing to accept. Is it because we think we have control or is hope truly eternal?

Whether a child is born with special needs or evolves into a grown person with special needs why is there a distinction in how we view just what is and what is not “special?” Is a person born with a handicap so different from one that evolves with a handicap? When interacting with others, it seems that there is much less tolerance for the later. Is it because a physical, mental or emotional difference is easier to live with when we perceive it as innocently incurred? If a grown person has not learned the basic rules of kindergarten, to be kind, caring and honest, because “special needs” were never addressed, should it be any different than the allowances made for someone who was born without the ability to see? Aren't all afflictions and addictions innocently acquired?

Our culture now finds it acceptable, even a standard, to give every kid a ribbon just for participation. Has trying become the the new winning? If we can value learning above winning in a child's world, why can we not do the same for an adult? In a perfect world, maybe we could but in the one that most of us occupy, “getting over” a major relationship issue is damn hard work. Could raising a relationship be even harder than raising a child? Could it be because we think we have control or is hope truly eternal?

Darling Katie, Boys and Girls, embracing a comprehensive undertaking of forgiveness or understanding is a worthy goal, but when the emotions of anger and sadness are in full force it is impossible to apply both the concentration and intellect necessary. So for now, just leave it alone and live your life as you see fit. When the anger and sadness begin to fade, you can address the bigger cosmic issues at leisure with detachment and clarity. As grown ups we KNOW there are no guarantee's in life, especially in relationships, but the loss of anything that is priceless is difficult, regardless of the rational reasons why it shouldn't be. It doesn't make it any easier that loss of every kind has a haunting quality that relentlessly permeates hidden corners of the mind. It is heart breaking to realize that no matter what someone does to make up for something the hard reality is, they can't. “It” has become part of life.

Living in the present is a worthy goal, but the past is there as part of our experience and is a valuable teacher so we don't repeat our mistakes. The past counts in equal measure to the present. Do the math for yourself. The past and present will always equal the future.
Have a naughty day!