Looking and the 20 second rule

Dear Miss Kitty,
My girlfriend says it is really rude that I look at other women. She says that I am being disrespectful of her. I told her I love her and guys just look at attractive women. That is how it is, it has always been that way and basically we can't help it. She reads your column so could you tell her that it is normal and not to worry about it. Thanks.
Jeff, SANTA BARBARA


Dear Jeff,
Of course I will tell her that a man looking at women is normal and that you “just can't help it”. Are there any other things that you would like me to lie to her about while I’m at it? Since I already feel the flames of hell licking at my high heels for pretending to defend you, shall I also tell her that you are the man of her dreams and she should bow, scrape and be eternally grateful for having such a highly educated man in her life? By the way Jeff, since we have left planet earth and are entirely in the realm of fantasy, let me enlighten you on a few of the myths that thrive in the manure-laden pastures of common thought…

It is a universally held belief that boys will be boys and look at girls. When boys are boys and not attached men, they can respectfully check out the opposite sex. So can girls. Oh my goodness Jeff - did you just drop your Corona? With a sterile goat as my witness, know and believe this: Girls look, leer and lust as much as boys do! Girls however, tend to do it with a bit more finesse. With adroit cleverness they gaze upon many a handsome creature - however the man-cake on display never feels anything, since she is subtle. Hello! Subtle! On the other hand, boys (and men that think like boys), rarely master the art of a simple look. It becomes an ogling, eye-popping, tongue-dragging foray into Estrogen Valley, where the natives are friendly - but don't take kindly to being objectified and sexualized. For damn good reasons women are always more than just a piece of ass - and if men had any sense they would grasp that and stop making excuses for immature behavior.

Does that mean that when in the company of a partner that we should exchange our Blackberry for a white cane and shuffle along the sidewalk, stooped over and head-hanging? Should we avert our eyes just in case we’re caught “not-looking?” Can we only notice naked models of perfection when they are Greek, made of stone and at least 2000 years old? Heavens no! As humans, part of our natural instinct is noticing what is attractive in our surroundings - be it human, excellent shoes, or the way the light looks on a fall afternoon. Looking briefly and nicely and then moving on is what is acceptable and normal when in a relationship. Drooling or pretending not to drool but needing a bib is not acceptable. Here is a good rule of thumb: Remember the 2 second rule when food is dropped to the floor? It applies here as well, two seconds to look and then let go of any further thoughts.

Speaking of thoughts, my guess is that if Jeff looks when with her, he looks even more without her. What do you think? So, without further adieu, the always-popular, never without interesting examples- sob story (please use whiny voice when reading) “I just can't help it.” Break out the violins baby, because this is the last time Jeff (or any male) will be able to, with a clear conscience, pull that number out of his faded 501's!

With the strength of the unenlightened masses backing up the premise that “thoughts” don't matter, it is easy to rationalize away any and all guilt that what we think doesn't affect anyone else - let alone our own minds and psyche. What he or she doesn't know won't hurt him or her? Maybe Martha Stewart came up with that when she was out of crepe paper, chicken wire and gumdrops.

Thoughts are the most powerful things on the entire planet. They are the beginning and the end of all we know. Nothing except a true natural disaster is born without thought. Not an invention, a Nation, and certainly not a relationship of any value. Before love is an action, it is a thought. Even a kiss starts as a thought. Can anyone really believe anything else? All images and thoughts that enter the mind stay there forever. Just because the recall is sketchy doesn't mean that it doesn't exist lounging around in the gray matter, capable of causing something related to manifest. Even the thoughts we think we have control of show up as dreams, life choices and personal torments that are anything but fun.

Darling Jeff, Boys and Girls, Thoughts have the ability to impact us in more ways then there are visions to contemplate. The quick little fantasy of the brunette at Starbucks this morning glistens in the brain, the way a wedding band shines in the sunlight. It only takes the right stimulation to evoke the fantasy - or what’s behind the sparkle. We are either free, and truly in control of our thoughts (which now we know are reality in the making) or we are eternally no more than lab rats, being pushed and pulled by whatever is dropped into our cage.
Have a naughty day!