Where Have all the Nice Girls Gone?

Dear Miss Kitty,
I am a 45 year old man, have been divorced for nearly two years, and have begun to date. Believe or not, I have very little experience dating and for the time being I just want some fun after being married to Satan for so many years. My problem is that in spite of my best efforts to be honest and clear that my intent is to have fun and keep it light, on numerous occasions after several dates (getting more physical) the women, who originally agreed to keeping it light are ready to slap a ring on my finger! Why do so many women throw the big change-up when I am initially honest about my intentions? If I am doing something wrong here, I would appreciate some advice. Thank you.
John H, Santa Barbara




Dear John:
If we are honest with ourselves regarding our intentions, when we want a burger and a chocolate shake, we feel good about it, even though we are consuming the caloric equivalent of week’s rations in space. If we really know we should have a salad with dressing on the side, but order the burger anyway, the lack of congruence can cause more than just a bad case of indigestion – it can cause us to end up dazed, confused and have a bad taste in our mouth.

Along with the tropical fruit flavored Tums we now consume by the truck load, we begin to dump the excess guilt onto anything and anyone we can find. “The day from hell made me go off my diet”; “I never got a chocolate shake when I was a kid”; “the waitress MADE me order it”. Yes, anything and everything except for looking at the fact - the basic ketchup-on-your-face truth: We tend to get exactly what we tell others we want, and when our order arrives wrong, the reality is that they are receiving an inaccurate message from us.

It may sound like truth to say that playing the field sounds like a healthy pursuit for a man recently removed from the purgatory of pitch fork central. If that is what was really desired, and shown through congruent actions and words, then that is precisely what would happen. The women dated would respond (either positively or negatively) to the clarified admonition that “lite” dating was on the menu. But if one is still sometimes existing in the deep, dark recesses of a personal past hell where issues are left unresolved, there’s not a snowball’s chance in August in Las Vegas (or anywhere else), that dating will be anything like heaven.

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but this Kitty is willing to go out on a limb and say that if so many women are ready, so fast, to put a picture of the happy couple on this year Christmas card, isn’t it possible that what is being given off isn’t James Bond on holiday? If it walks like a married man, and talks like a married man, it probably is a divorced man that is still acting like a married man. One that is giving off anything but a free-wheeling man-about-town! So, lets put the (shaken not stirred) martini down, retrieve a “JB” monogrammed index card from the well organized desk, and write out a helpful, always appropriate and copy written (pending) declaration of pre-whoopee activity that is wallet sized. In other words, even more comprehensive than a Donald Trump pre-nup - the official MK “No No No!” contract, to be read out loud while making direct eye contact with date, and while you are both still fully clothed:

“This contract, when hereby initiated before naughtiness, means even after naughtiness, there will be NO expectations of instant boyfriend. NO expectations of boyfriendesque communications. NO hidden agendas concerning anything to do with making a serious (heavy) relationship, such that would require weighting down contract-bearer with ball and chain.” (Make sure it is double spaced for clear and easy reading in case you’re still reading while trying to get your pants down fast!)

Which brings us to the last and not, as yet copy written part of the MK “No No No!” contract. Slow down. Really! Darling John, and Boys and Girls, no one wants it to be true, but we are animals. Maybe we are not Serengeti-ready or even Zoo-worthy, but we are heavily driven by chemical responses that we have little control over. Chemical response, as defined here, is not necessarily to be confused with the Bond-esque martini mentioned earlier. Chemical response is all those lovely hormones that like to kick in fast, once we have kicked off our shoes and kicked up our heels. Stay aware of this fact, and it will make sense to wait a few more dates than usual before setting the herd loose.

Honesty and communication of intent have a better chance of taking root early-on when both parties the take time to know them selves mentally before going on safari physically.

So now John; armed with the knowledge that what one gives off must be as true as what one wishes was perceived (and with the contract of the century as back-up) all I can say is…

Have a naughty day!