The Spanish Inquistion

Dear Miss Kitty,
I am dating a new man and want to ask him some personal questions. What questions are acceptable to ask without sounding rude? I have a history of being with the wrong kind of guy (for me) and I think if I take a more logical approach to dating I will do better. Not only that, but a few things about him are just not adding up right. On the other hand I could be totally in left field and I don’t want this guy to get the wrong idea about why I am asking these questions and be turned off. Help?
S.K, SANTA BARBARA




Dear S.K.,
If fireworks lit up the night sky with brilliant color and no noise, we would notice. If we saw sushi placed on red hot coals, we would notice. If we went to the beach and green grass had replaced all the sand, we would notice. Not only would we notice, we would have questions - and lots of them. So why is it, when we are getting to know a new someone, are we shy about getting some answers? Why is the act of acquiring knowledge via questioning perceived as rude? Should we really accept everyone until proven otherwise? When it comes to digging in deeper, it is the wise that bring a sturdy and reliable shovel!

It is no lie that early on in any relationship; everyone is on their best behavior. Like little kids at a dinner party for grown-ups, keeping quiet and being “good”, gets you an invite for the next time. Not to mention extra cherries in your Shirley Temple! But as the party winds down, and children get tired “reality” gets the chance to show up and show off.

When dating someone new there is no reliable or known time frame for the authentic to manifest. As airy-fairy as it sounds, only time will tell. It takes the events that will eventually transpire within a relationship to know the true depth of another human being. Does this mean that up-front questions are out of order? Absolutely not, nor are they rude unless the subject in under harsh lighting, duck-taped to a chair and forbidden water for more than 24 hours. Does this mean, the truth will always be told? Absolutely not. It might also mean that the truth is not something that can be understood or perceived at this particular place in time.

For example: A man remodels his home and doesn’t install a kitchen. He doesn’t cook and brings home a couple of cokes with his take-out food every evening which works for him. He meets a woman and she does cook. He now installs a kitchen. She is thrilled. She never questioned him or herself because in the framework of the reality she was being shown, the house sans kitchen made sense.

Unless one has a reference point in their own experience file cabinet, another’s explanation might seem logical. It would take time to know that the real reason Mr. I-Don’t-Cook-Don’t-Need-a-Kitchen was because he was incapable of finishing anything he started. Could she have known that by simply asking questions? Not in the early days…not unless he was a person that was so secure in his own reality – and so knowledgeable of himself - that he would have told her the actual truth, not the one that she would accept as valid.

Darling SK, Boys and Girls, asking questions is always a good idea. They start a dialogue and assist in filtering out aspects that we need to know. They are not however a perfectly reliable oracle that will tell the future with certainty. The future is subject to change and what was yesterdays’ perception will no doubt alter without the scope of continued self-discovery, communication and congruence.

Have a naughty day!