Intrusive Interludes

Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife had a short “interlude” with another man. She swears it was the first and only time and regardless of what she did, I believe her and I still love her. The issue is that she has moved on from what happened but sometimes I find myself ruminating over the affair and getting angry all over again. I am trying to let it be done, but it isn’t easy. Any help in a good direction would be welcome.
BC, Santa Barbara




Dear BC,
It seems deception is the place that hurts the most for so many of us. It stings because it hits at the very place where commitment lives. Honesty. And since most people believe that honesty is the heart and soul of a relationship, anything that threatens that truth is destructive to the very bone.

When our life partner (read that 10 times to feel what those two words really mean) isn't honest with us, it brings so much into question. It is impossible not to revisit the life choices we could have made, the upbringing that taught us that honesty was the right and only path of a "good" person, and that there are partners out there that would never consider cheating in the first place.

Our past, present and future are rocked when a deception of such magnitude hits. Our own core values as well as our stability become anything but stable. In a place of such uncertainty, it no surprise that we can find ourselves long after the initial shake-up feeling tremors that bring us into upheaval again and again.

So how do you manage damage control for the sake of the relationship while at the same time healing the wreckage that lives within? How do you purge the past for the benefit of the present and future without bandaging wounds so well they never heal? It is a delicate operation that takes finesse - and believe it or not - trust.

It may sting all over again to think that putting ones’ faith in trust, of all things, is anything but a denial of the self and a set-up for a future disaster. This is defiantly a hard, even nasty concept to want to grasp. It can feel like exactly the wrong way to go, but it isn’t. Trust me. To sweeten the process, here is the sugar to help the medicine go down. I give you permission to be mad, be sad, be livid like you have never been before. The only rule, is that none of the venom or tears can be directed at the one caught with their pants down.

If the Billy Clinton in your life, has half a brain and decent values, they are more than well-aware of the ill-omened choices that they made. If they are being honest with themselves, they are in their own world of remorse and pain, and do not need you with GPS guidance showing them any more of the damaged and burnt landscape of a once happy terrain. At this point in their understanding of what transpired, they dearly need to be in the present in order not to sink into the murky bog of guilt and shame. That kind of self-hating quicksand will suck them down (and you with them) so there is never a chance of moving forward. The reality is that the more the stray cat has to help the house cat heal, the longer it takes for the stray cat to find home again.

Darling BC, and Boys and Girls: does it still feel like the bad one is getting it easy? The one that stole the cookies and ate them all up didn’t get punished? They didn’t even get fat? Sometimes it feels that way -so grab pen and paper and write out all the rotten things you want to say and no editing allowed. This menacing memoir is all about you. The pain, the anger, the Plan B to run away with a real Prince or Princess Charming! This is where the caustic, fed-up, and very angry little person inside can get even. It will feel really good. Not only will you have a draft for a hit movie, you might just feel cleansed enough to balance what is written about the awful past with what is happening right now – and that present might be pretty good.

If the remorse is genuine, there will be noticeable changes for the better. Letting that sink in is very difficult and yes, hard to trust - but if you do trust it to be real, it is a crucial building block for the future.

Have a naughty day!