Gone Fishing

Dear Miss Kitty,
The other day my BF said he would take my car and get it serviced for me. He didn’t do it and I was angry with him. Then I thought about all the really nice things he does for me and I felt guilty. I feel like if he said he would do the car and didn’t (he was fishing) I had a right to be angry with him. Didn’t I?
Candice, Santa Barbara




Dear Candice,
Like the ill- mannered relative that no one wants to invite to family functions or the embarrassingly and LOUD and complaining person next to you in a movie theatre, anger is perhaps the least understood of emotions. To show anger can make one vulnerable in a way that sadness, joy and even love have never endured.

If love is delightful rituals accompanied by strawberries and cream, champagne and all things pretty, anger seems to only beget more anger, sadness or a big fat bouquet of resentment. Nothing pretty about that! So why is it, especially within the confounds of even the most confident of relationships, that showing anger tips us into such uncomfortable realms?

Are we not allowed to express anger unless the slate is cleared off of all debris and therefore potential retribution is unlikely? Must we do a very fast mental check to insure we are “justifiably” angry and therefore justified in a bit of eye- ball rolling?

The evolved thinking man or woman is stuck in the mud without a clean exit when anger puts its dirty little paws upon a situation. It can be difficult enough to express anger and do so in an emotionally consciousness way-let alone feeling enough guilt to fill a pot with 100 chickens simmering away as soup.

A big part of the process is learning that to be angry is very acceptable. It is after all part of being human. The bigger human understands that moderating anger, by choice of words, are what allows us to express anger without sacrificing compassion. For those who are very uncomfortable with the whole ‘A” word, either by upbringing or personal experiences, not needing to rationalize anger is the first step to a healthy tantrum.

Case in point, Miss Candice doesn’t need to balance the fish scales here. Mr. BF may be a wonderful guy, but on this occasion he let the big one get away. Speaking of fish, which makes me think of dinner and portion control (evil concept), controlling the portion of anger metted out is crucial to the end result.

Darling Candice, Boys and Girls, along the savvy lines of not killing the messenger, it is possible, even though steamed like a clam, to get more information before losing your ceviche like cool. If what you hear or see doesn’t make the grade in your eyes then perhaps anger is your new best friend. Available in a moments notice and equally happy to take a back seat when not needed. And speaking of back-seats, making up is very important. Get your mind out of the gutter, this is about re- connecting, not the dots, but back to the reason you are together in the first place.

Have a naughty day!