Checking In and Out

Dear Miss Kitty,
My boyfriend goes days without calling or contacting me. I don’t need to see him daily, but I think it is reasonable for him to want to check in and say hi. My girlfriends say he should and the fact that he doesn’t means he is trying to have power over me. My guy friends say it is no big deal and doesn’t mean anything.
Julie S, Santa Barbara



Dear Julie,
You, I, your girlfriends and boyfriends – let alone the readers of the Daily Sound - all know that you don’t just want just him to say “Hi”. In fact, I am so sure of it, we could all go to Vegas and put our combined net worth on Red #6, and take the house. Assuming we could dig ourselves out of a shallow communal grave, we could then brush off the sand and have a nice cup of tea to get to the gist of your real concern: Is he as interested in you as you are in him?

We all have different levels of interest and the missing of someone. Just ask Bryan Adams. Every time he thinks of you, he always catches his breath…that is a whole lot of intense, which sounds just a bit too compulsive and tiring to boot. But then everything he does, he does for you, so should heavy breathing really be ruled out? Speaking of rules, did you really say “check in”? I think you did - and that choice of words is very telling. Freudian slips are more than just a bit of lace on beige silk. They are the true telling of where one’s deep and dark reality is actually living. The calling card, if you will, of REALLY checking in!

So when is “checking in” sane and when it is “checking in” pushing someone else’s well defined boundaries? When is “checking in” a smoke screen for a whole lot of insecurity? 10 to 1 says Julie’s “girlfriends” think I am being mean and Julie’s “boyfriends” are in line to buy me a beer and discuss the remaining hockey season.

The truth is I don’t even like beer, but I do like reality and in this case, what the boys have to say is real. Anyway you slice it (I do like Pizza) they are right - it’s no big deal, and let me explain why. Just because he doesn’t want daily contact doesn’t imply anything is wrong with the relationship. Many a relationship is better served when the partners take time out to be apart. I don’t think anyone expected Michaelangelo to drop the Sistine Chapel project to grab a text message!

On the off chance that perhaps he isn’t as into her as she would like, time and only time will tell. Just the fact that they have a critical area of communication disagreement might be the line in the sand. But not because he is doing anything wrong. As far as the “power thing” fearful girls go to, if he really was trying to wield inappropriate power over you, it would be showing up not only in the lack of “checking in”, but in other ways as well. It is your job to become aware of these other ways – and to do something about them - like communicating openly your concerns.

Darling Julie, Boys and Girls, if time is the only thing we actually own, spending it on anything other than quality pursuits is a sad waste. Thinking about what someone is not doing - instead of what they are - and enjoying what life has to offer is not good. In fact, that’s a dangerous pattern, which has more to do with not believing in thy self worth more than anything else.

I would advise to fill your time with things that make you happy and feel good, and don’t revolve around anyone else. Even though (as a side benefit) your attractiveness factor shoots way up with this little gem, you are doing it for better reasons than that. And that is something we can all agree on.

Have a naughty day!