Eternally Yours, Most of the Time

Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband and I have been separated for the past year. He says he has changed his ways and wants to give “us” another chance. We have three teens, a business, and I still have feelings for him. If I knew with certainty that it would work out, I would say yes, but I just don’t know and I don’t want to go through really tough times yet again. How can you know that maybe this time it will work out?
VC, Santa Barbara



Dear VC,
As the poets say, hope springs eternal and as I say, so do promises. People make and listen to promises because they are eternally hopeful. Politicians make promises to get elected, because if they told the real truth no one would vote for them. With the old adage “it is better to ask for forgiveness than permission” tattooed on what ever part of the body won’t show up in a swimsuit, they make their pledges to get us to punch our ballots. A partner in a relationship makes promises because if they told the real truth - that they really couldn’t be sure of anything - one might not be willing to take any chances. So when a person beseeches another for something, be it a vote or a marriage or another chance (and especially after a serious altercation), caution should be duly enforced. To help remember the lesson, spell chance backwards. It means means nothing and never will.

A “bail out” is a verb and the definition is to aid, deliver, release, relieve, rescue or spring. Example: When a small boat is taking on water due to leaks in the hull, one takes a bucket and removes the water from the boat so the boat stays afloat. Is this a permanent fix or just a temporary measure? If you said temporary you’re right - so why are “bail outs” in relationships considered a permanent fix?

Good intentions are no more than a bit of pink bubble gum over a leaky hole. Eventually the gum loses its stickiness and whatever was attempting to gain access, now has a passport to the Promised Land. (See how those promises sneak their way in???) So if good intentions should have been a Beach Boys song instead of a back-door way to gain access, could time really be the great healer? Time certainly has the PR department of the universe. Yes, working 24/7 on this little promise, time claims to fade hurts and heal hearts. Of course time is sharing the PR department with most wrinkle creams and the government, so it isn’t what it used to be.

Time does allow jets to cool and perspective to change. Unfortunately, it also allows the intense sting of damage to slip away from memory. For a relationship this can be dangerous. Remember the old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me?” It is rare, like the spotted Norwegian Forest Cat (no such thing) that people change. They can modify, adapt, and convert themselves into something different when they have enough motivation to do so. However it is a never-ending process and a path seldom traveled by most.

Since the man in question says he wants to give “us” another chance; my guess is that he is someone that hasn’t yet been willing to accept responsibility for what happened. He is putting the problem on the both of you, and if so, even after a year; there is no change that matters. All that makes a difference is embracing and braving the challenges ahead to have something better. A lot better.

Boys and Girls and VC; if someone is willing to not forget, but embrace, the past and use it to further the future, you have half a chance. If someone is committed to change on a forever basis you have three quarters of a chance, but the reason it’s called a chance is because there are no - and never will be - any guarantees. Chance has nothing to do with luck. Like opposite ends of a broom, both are useful but seldom used together.

Have a naughty day!