Cards, Concepts and the Color of Jealosy

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have a woman friend and I want to give her a Valentine’s card but I am not so sure my wife will like the idea. For the record, the friend really is a friend. She is just a woman I know and admire. My question is how do I go about this and still be a sensitive husband? By the way, I would also like to know why women are so jealous.
Scott, Santa Barbara




Dear Scott,
It is within the confines of true insanity to think there is anything remotely resembling “fair” when it comes to relationships. It is almost as ridiculous as having children make sure EVERYONE is included in the distribution of mass-produced Valentine’s cards which are signed by – everyone else. Don’t these do-gooding parents and teachers know that a really good valentine is supposed to be anonymous, and a matter of choice? Isn’t that part of the charm and fun, especially when five and flirting for the first time?

So speaking of choices, when it comes down to all the worthy people in one’s life, how does one go about the oh-so-delicate task of bestowing a heart-felt token on someone that is not the main event? Is it worth the potential trouble? Should there even be any trouble? Most importantly: Is the big V defined as a day for acknowledging only lovers and love or anyone that makes us happy? And when did the lover’s holiday turn into a festival for Hallmark? It seems that Valentine’s Day can spark as many questions as a potential wedding guest list!

This mass confusion isn’t all that surprising when one considers that for many, what really is on the end of Cupids arrow is not love, but security and well being. Just because shop windows are decked out in pink and red, doesn't mean that the green–eyed monster isn’t lurking just behind red roses somewhere. Jealousy knows no vacation, especially on a truly red-letter day; when hearts can turn hellacious and green mixed with red is just an ugly dingy brown.

Emotional evolution - or rather the lack of it - is what this color-coded collection of feelings is really all about. It would be nice to believe that there really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and that people have grown beyond the “petty” emotions that make for soap operas and reality-show-like dramas. The cold (as the ice around a champagne bottle) truth is that the vast majority haven’t - and it’s not looking like they ever will grow beyond being emotional “Mini-Me’s”.

It is an intrinsic fact that we all want to be our number one’s, well, number one. Anything that tramples on that becomes a threat - and whether we want to admit it or not, no one is completely immune from a heart shaped box of insecurity, be it big or really really really tiny. The possibility of a threat is felt not from our mature, grown-up, and well educated on all things physiological self, it is heard, seen and felt from the inner little self that isn’t always so sure about the big and scary world it lives in.

Sure as there are matching panties with bras, we are still at the mercy of our basic and primal need for survival, and therefore if within a relationship our partner feels a twinge of something that isn’t so wonderful, I think our job as a loving person is to listen, accept their minor insecurities, and respect their wishes. Whatever those wishes are. Perhaps if we felt more understood and loved, absolutely and completely, by that special other person - regardless of our idiosyncrasies and foibles - we would feel a bit safer and stronger in the world at large.

Darling Scott, and Boys and Girls: If intimacy and empathy are the milk and dark chocolates in the relationship box, security is the white one with the nuts. It isn’t crazy to admit that security feels really good and isn’t feeling good what it is all about? Isn’t that ultimately why we choose to be in a relationship? A healthy primary relationship is good for our health, both mental and physical. It bolsters our ego and gives us a refuge when we needed it. When something does all that, and finds excellent burritos at 10pm on a rainy night, it is more than alright to focus on one person and no one else. So right now, officially by the powers vested in me (by myself) as Santa Barbara’s very own Ambassotrix of Relationships, I hereby declare February 15th the day for cards that belong to friends but never lovers.

Have a naughty Valentine’s Day!