Once a Wallet, Always a Wallet

Dear Miss Kitty,
I met a wonderful woman who had just relocated to SB from an affluent area Our previous two dates had gone very well and I wanted to make a third dinner date with her. I offered two suggestions for our date which were more than adequate, but she wanted to “upgrade” my suggestions into the best place in town. I softly interjected that I reserved this place for special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries etc. - this was met by silence on the phone for what seemed like an eternity.To her credit, she did back off and accepted a mutually agreed upon restaurant - however I ended up by canceling the date because I couldn’t get over the feeling that she was dating my wallet and not me. Please provide us girls and guys Miss Kitty’s appropriate protocol for do’s and don’ts on accepting dinner dates.
Not the Wallet - Santa Barbara



Dear NTW,
Congratulations on receiving one of the highly coveted Miss Kitty ‘Real Man of the Year” Awards! Sticking to your chosen code of values with integrity and staying solidly the authentic “You” - even though coerced by the intimidating silence of this “wonderful’ woman - is a critical male moment for you, worthy of receiving the RMY. Without significant self-torture or ceremony you remained steady and on-track, taking the high road of independence and self-rule. Your ultimate reward, of course, is that you are not stuck spending your time with a potential gold digger, a pushy broad, or someone who can manipulate you through as many doors as humanly possible. In other words, without any doubt, you dodged a bullet - and for that you can be grateful. As Michael French, Stylist to the Stars says: “Next!”

In this last week before the demanding year ends, tilting us towards the (hopefully) more benevolent 2009, let’s all take stock of where we are in the dating pool or in our current relationship, and make sure we are being as real as the red nose on Santa’s numero-uno sled puller. Oh wait….a luminous schnozz on a flying reindeer named Rudolph wouldn’t be real, would it? See how hard it can be to discern reality about someone? Therefore, since we can’t change others and using discernment spells went out with the Salem witch trials, how we choose to conduct ourselves when faced with the inevitable tests they throw at us, is the next best thing to a date that doesn’t order an entire rack of ribs on a first date. NTW, you passed “wonderful’s” eatery-selection test with flying colors, because your conduct stayed firmly aligned with your ideals.

In the last twenty years the accepted protocol of dating has changed dramatically. Dating by keyboard and cell phone, instead of rendezvousing by clicking ice in a smoky den of ill-repute, demands that the protocol of who (pays) and where (we eat) must be very clear. And since everyone is capable of wearing the pants and therefore has pockets- no one should assume that the man always needs a wallet.

Speaking of wallets, they are now as easily filled by men as by women. Imagine that! What makes modern dating confusing is that the equality aspect plays havoc with the hard wired instinct to be a chaser and a chasee. Which brings us back again to knowing your own mind. The rules of dating are easily mutable, but what your comfort level is, is not. Cindy can ask out Mike for dinner and a movie, now Mike must leave any expectation of a good night kiss at the bottom of the popcorn bag. How honorable it is, that in today’s world, the obligatory good night kiss is no longer bought and paid for in advance; or that by Mike taking Cindy to the Ritziest joint in town, he expects anything more than a kiss worthy of Taco Bell.

The basic rule of wallets is thus: If there is pleasure in the paying then by all means indulge. If there is trepidation or a feeling of being bought then pay your own way. A corollary to the rule of wallets is: If you are the askor, you should expect to pay – but in return, as askor you have first dibs on where you go to spend your hard-earned dough. By this corollary, NTW, an alternate response to “wonderful” could have been: “Sure, we can go to (insert upscale Santa Barbara restaurant here) – do you want me to drop you by the ATM before so you pick up some cash?

Because dating rules are no longer dressed up in a zoot suit with an overcoat of social convention, it is up to the individuals involved to decide what feels good and what is comfortable. A wealthy icon like Warren Buffet might prefer his beloved Dairy Queen to the Four Seasons – but he is comfortable enough in his own skin to know what he wants, and why. Any less-than-authentic testing woman would be completely off-base in trying to correlate Mr. Buffet’s taste in restaurants with the size of his wallet.

There can no longer be the expectation of anything therefore if someone does the asking they do the paying. If someone is a decent human being who understands give and take and is not a game-playing sponge-of-a-taker, they know enough to be gracious and accept the offering of a date as a gift. NTW and boys and girls, seek out those decent souls to spend your time with and money on. Avoid the rest like the plague. To put it in simple terms we all can understand, to parody Johnny Cochran: “If you don’t want to be sucked dry, then you must say good bye”!

Have a naughty day!