Love Me or Leave Me

Dear Miss Kitty,
Every time my boyfriend and I have an argument he says maybe we should just break up. I find this really strange since most of the time we get along extremely well. When he does this I feel panicky and wonder if he is really serious. Since I really don’t think he means it, should I bring up how much it bothers me or leave it alone?
Tina, Santa Barbara



Dear Tina,
With so many possible verbal options in the human experience why is it that to stay together or not to stay together so easily can become the default comment of many arguments? Is it really a smart game plan when a heated discussion about the possibility of new flooring isn’t going in the obvious direction? Is a sneaky plan B to solo status lurking not so far away? Could it just be a throw-back to the simpler days of childhood when running away, red wagon at the ready was a viable option-at least for a few hours? Are we really looking for a way out of the conversation, not the relationship and don’t know how to say so?

Words without actions of consequence are cheap and meaningless. Like a corset without laces, nothing will ever stay where it is supposed to. Whom ever wrote “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” was a clinically diagnosed psychopath. Not someone to believe on any topic, least of all human behaviors. Words can and do hurt, and someone using an implied threat-is using power because that is all they think they can do. That someone isn’t feeling like they have choice, even though they certainly do.

The trick when hearing words, used as a weapon or a distraction, is to determine just what the words really mean while remaining as detached as possible. When one is in receipt of difficult comment, it can be hard to put an immediate reaction or desire to retaliate on hold. Could Mr. I -am –out- of -here-really just not have a better way to express what he is thinking and feeling?

It is impossible unless we are best friends with Miss Clair Voyant-French psychic extraordinaire- to guess why anyone does anything. Projecting our fears or own modus operandi will only serve to confuse us and point us in a useless direction. We use a process of elimination to determine why a baby is crying, and because there only a few option we can get it right fifty percent of the time. How hard can it be when a wet diaper, hunger or being picked up for a cuddle is the main event most of the time?

With all the variables that an adult could be feeling there nothing else that works better than –“what’s up doc?”

Darling Tina, Boys and Girls, time to get out the pink highlighters and get serious about you. If you can predict someone else’s behavior- you are into a game. You know it, they know and there is something about the game that works for you both. If you are ready to be real in your relationship here is Miss Kitty’s famous three-part solution when you are ready to stop playing the game. Look cute (not really necessary but always a good move), find a neutral zone and say-

A. “I have told you I don’t like this behavior”

B. “If you continue to do this-I will do X.”

C. Now kids, here is the hardest part, no matter how the begging, pleading, bribing or cajoling goes -you have to stick with what you said in B. Even if very large diamonds or an extremely lovely puppy shows up you may not under any circumstances go back on your word. If you do, nothing will ever change and you are saying loud and clear, that you aren’t ready for anything to be any different. Be very aware of what you decide B is going to be. Think it through, make sure you absolutely mean it and can carry it out to the letter. The letter B.

We are told truths in so many ways and finding out just what that truth is, takes a better listener than a talker. Ascertaining just what is being “said” is almost always uncovered by time, but there are also times when just cutting to the chase is the best solution. In a relationship NO one deserves being threatened or treated without compassion so when it does happen, it is serious and action needs to be taken right away. By they way, if you choose to say nothing you are telling your partner that their behavior is perfectly acceptable-is that what you want to do?

Have a naughty day!