Watching all the Girls Go By

Dear Miss Kitty,
I would like to know why women don’t smile back at me on the street when passing by. There is nothing suspect about my appearance. In fact, I have been told I am a good looking and nice guy to boot. Since when is a genuine smile confused with an invitation to cross the street as quickly as possible?
Snubbed in Santa Barbara



Dear Snubbed,
Your question has me very puzzled since you already know why you don’t get a smile back. But to indulge you- could it be because your smile isn’t really genuine? That is isn’t really a smile just for a smile’s sake? Are the curved lips for certain eyes only and not just a have-a–nice-day kind of smile for the masses?

Now if these are women that look the other way, already know you, then we have a different problem altogether - so let’s assume that these are women that you do not know and who do not know you. Snubbed, let’s face harsh reality: just because you would like to know them, based on a superficial scan across the street, it does not mean that they may have a similar interest in your mug, as friendly and charming as it may be.

If you have any success at all trying to make friends based on such premeditated superficiality, it will most likely lead to a very irrelevant relationship. On the other hand why shouldn’t the street be a place where you can pick someone up willy-nilly with nothing more than a grin? That was a trick question since I know that you know that the street is public place used for private reasons - like going from one place to another. A bar or coffee house is a different sort of place; a place where it becomes more appropriate to smile with the intent to engage someone’s attention.

Miss Kitty admires your attempt, but I am unsure of your true motive – the very one that you might not even be aware of as yet. For lurking in all of us, are unseen phantoms of want and will have. Here’s a way you can explore your concern. A test if you like. Go to a coffee place, book- store, even a supermarket and check out a woman who has “that certain something” that gives you “that certain feeling” and simply smile at her. DO NOT LEAR or look at her as though you’re undressing her. (Take the “who me?” look off your face and pay attention) Say something genuine… like, “Excuse me, I may be out of place, but I am drawn to you.”

Now here’s the tough part …prepare for any of the following...a face slap, a smile with no reply, the frosty-freezy look of a lifetime, or the infinitesimally-small probability that maybe she’ll turn and say: “your place or mine…I have ten minutes!!”

Ok, enough of the fantasy life … in all likelihood none of this will happen – you won’t have the courage to try the “I may be out of place” line and face the (potentially good or bad) consequences; and you will still go about your way and smile from across the street. If the planets align, MAYBE JUST ONCE SHE WILL SMILE BACK…as she walks right out of your life.

However, if you did actually decide to courageously be the genuine “you” in a smile-fest at the coffee shop, regardless of the outcome from her, you have made clear and positive changes to yourself. You will have empowered yourself by expanding your comfort zone - and increased your willingness to take more smiling risks with the opposite sex, regardless of the outcome. With each new smiling introduction, you’ll gain confidence and with each toothy experience you will feel more spontaneous and calm. In short, you will be developing the ability – through practice - to be genuine and simply the real you.

Darling Snubbed, Boys, and Girls, we all know that a smile from a confident, genuine person in an appropriate setting is a more open and inviting smile, than that flimsy grin coming from superficial passers-by, like two ships, one wrecked, on the busy sidewalk of life.

Have a naughty day!

P.S A big thank you to Ron the motor man and RM for their insightful views which greatly helped to answer Snubbed.