Wonder Bread and Dating When Cooled

Dear Miss Kitty,
The time has come after a failed marriage and lengthy divorce to start dating. I am ready, willing but nervous. I really don’t want to make the same mistakes again. What if I am the loser my husband said I was? Is someone ready to date just because they want to?
Jill, Santa Barbara




Dear Jill,
If you switch out the word “dating” and place any sport in that spot, does it answer your question? Just because we want to ice-skate (secretly because of the pretty outfits), be a world-class golfer or set a record for best runner ever, doesn’t mean we have the skill set going in to be as successful as we would like or could be.

No one is born being absolutely incredible at anything. Hidden talents that seemly come with our DNA and eventually surface, are just that, talents. Most of the time we learn from others directly, indirectly and through as many sources as there are options.

But it seems when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, we drop the get-smart ball when great knowledge and education should be a natural goal. It can’t truly be from lack of motivation-a fulfilling love life tends to rate pretty high on the scale of life goals. So why do we choose to stay so ignorant? Apathy? Fear? Could it be the Wonder bread Complex?

Rarely mentioned but highly incorporated into our reality is The Wonder bread Complex. If you read the nutritional information on Wonder Bread along with any company promotional “facts,” you could believe that it is actually good for you. Anyone with a tiny amount of knowledge about nutrition knows that is not true. The complex named after the faux food item, and sometimes childish weapon, rears its pasty head when we erroneously believe that the most obvious is indeed correct. For example: Dating is natural. Love is natural. Sex is natural. Relationships are natural and therefore all the previously mentioned need no additional work or skills.

From the outside, it would appear that as soon as we find the RIGHT person, all will be well. Marriage stats confirm this is as nutty as peanut butter. Philosophy guru’s post 1960 claim that a positive attitude is all you need to have love-love-love. Applying anything resembling a quick cure is as sensible as believing breakfast in a can is as good as the real thing.

Like all pursuits of worth, great sex, great dating and excellent relationships start with believing in the self. Truly, deeply, madly believing with no doubts that we are lovable, valuable and consistently so. Valuable enough to continually get lots of accurate knowledge on the subject. Having any doubt in such a direction is a recipe for disaster. Can you fake it till you make it while dating? Can dating bolster the necessary sense of self-worth? Answer me this Batman? Can you frost a cake while it is baking? Didn’t think so.

Darling Jill, Boys and Girls, it is only possible to frost a cake when it is ready and that means, baked and cooled. If you jump the gun you end up with a messy cake and counter and have to start over again. Just ask Martha Stewart. Dating is an honorable pursuit. You can find out a lot about yourself, have fun (what a concept) and perhaps meet someone wonderful. On the other hand, dating when one is not ready can lead to something far worse than frosting in your hair.

Example: a relationship that is a copy-cat of the one you just left. A relationship out of convenience, loneliness, or security. Increased disillusionment about the self. If one is comfortable with the self, one doesn’t need anyone to “complete” them. Therefore being as complete as possible and that does not mean perfect, is actually necessary après dating.

There are endless tomes of dating “wisdom”; tricks to get a date, what to say and what to wear. How to “make” another person find you fabulous and fascinating! Now sit up and really pay attention! In fact, highlight this part in pink. If you have done your work and now find that you really are quite wonderful you won’t need any tricks. If you are using “tricks”, the reality is you are not being you. If you want someone to love you for yourself, how can pretending anything even if it is for a “good cause” make sense. I won’t lie, if you use tricks you will draw others to you. You will THINK you are a successful dater. There is a reason that the “life of a party” is surrounded by people. But are they people that the “life” really wants to spend time with? In the long and if you can bare to acknowledge it short run?

Harsh but true, if you haven’t done your work, the smoke screen will blow away and leave you naked the first time something goes wrong. Back to the person that is hiding underneath the “great date persona”. The one that is still covering up the real self from a lack of confidence. The one that is not yet ready to date for some very good reasons. What does this all mean? It means, go on a date with you, several in fact and see if you really are ready.

Have a naughty day!