Digging in the Dirt

Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife and I had a few problems a while back and I just can’t seem to get over it. I am worried that if I don’t drop it she will become frustrated with me and then we will have more to deal with. The truth is I am not over it and as badly as I would like to be, I know it is influencing our relationship. For the record I am not usually someone that holds on to things and we have been married a LONG time. I absolutely love this woman and want to do the right thing. Can you advise?
Jerry, Santa Barbara





Dear Jerry,
It is part and parcel of a relationship to have confrontations and episodes of conflict. Our partner can be the best mirror possible, reflecting back to us a life journey that is a deeply rewarding experience. That being said, it isn’t all fun and games - and sometimes, when playing a particularly destabilizing version of the game of “Life”, it can take a while to get back on good old terra firma.

Hopefully, the little things - like leaving the toilet seat in various positions - are not keeping anyone up at night. When a big issue has made itself known however, it can take significant time to get back to “normal”. Why is it so difficult to get back to “normal”? Because where you were and how you were as a couple in the past is never going to be available to you again. Every experience changes us in some way, and the only thing that truly never changes is our experiences keep changing.

Sometimes we can feel and see the change and more often then not, the change goes into stealth mode: hard to detect without a bit of cloak and dagger recon into our past. So is it possible to ever completely resolve an issue? Even when the issue is no longer an issue, does it need lots of sugar on a regular basis to continue to be “gone?” When it comes to letting things go, just exactly what are we left holding on to?

Letting something truly go means understanding that the original problem is not the only thing that is going to take work and time to reflect upon. Not only was the original conflict put into play, but anything and everything from the past that became activated is game-on as well. Like a pin-ball machine gone haywire, all that is unresolved lights up, makes a lot of noise and causes us to “tilt” in confusion. It is becomes hard to relate to the original problem when it literally is no longer the source of the discord. In fact, it never was. Think of it as retro-active and long-forgotten anger, sadness, or frustrations - now brought back into living color without a whole lot of notice.

Darling Jerry, and Boys and Girls, if a persistent problem does not feel nicely tucked up in bed, ready for sleep and sweet dreams, it is going to need a really big glass of warm milk and a lot of cookies to get some much needed rest. Homemade cookies that take as much time as they need to become golden, and no complaints from anyone about all the crumbs. In other words, as wonderful as it is to live in the moment and embrace our existence with our loving partner it is equally part of the entire experience to wrestle with the darker side of being in a relationship, and making our peace with that little fact of life.

Have a naughty day!