Holding Hands Without a Sunset

Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife is going through a very trying time right now. Family illness, work, our oldest leaving for college, you name it; it all seems to be happening. Actually, things have been pretty rough for her most of this year. My question is at what point do my needs count? I feel like I am a jerk if I need anything from her, and she is so quick to lash out at me, I am walking on the proverbial egg shells. Please don’t suggest counseling, I have gone and it didn’t make a difference. Anything else up those lacey sleeves of yours?
Adam, Santa Barbara



Dear Adam,
After the sesame noodles have been eaten and the Mu Shu devoured, there is a lovely little moment (in the hour before we get hungry again) when the fortune cookies are delivered to the satisfied diners. With keen anticipation, fingers reach out for their post-meal fate, with either a hesitant pause or a quick grab of impulsive decision. Without further ceremony, the crunchy crescents are eagerly cracked open to deliver a free bit-o-wisdom. It is doubtful that anyone lives or dies for the lucky numbers or the message of the moment, but most of us do take a minute to think about what it could mean. More accurately, we find a way to make our fortune fit, because what apparently makes sense to us has validity - and therefore has value.

When we sign up to love, honor, and be-there-no matter-what, we better mean it. It makes no difference if we choose to do so in a formal legal ceremony or within the structure of a personal agreement. Being there for another person through it all is a gi-normous undertaking. Consciously making such a choice is one of the things that make humans so humane. But when it comes to being supportive of a loved one, does it make sense to promise what you don’t know you can deliver? Could it be that love isn’t always enough? Is everything we’ve got everything we should give? Being there, no-matter-what does not mean being taken for granted. “Being there” for someone, like everything else, needs some definition, manners and rules of conduct.

Hardship of all kinds is very fair in its distribution. Like Coca-Cola it is available in every country and is a stranger to no one. We can rightly assume that everything between death and taxes will show up over the years, but what we can’t always fathom is how the unknown will be received by our partner. We are not born with the skill set to help us manage high levels of emotional upheaval in ourselves, but it is something hopefully we choose to learn. When we are suddenly cast as the back-up vocals to the one with a spot light upon them, especially if the show is running for a long time, it is difficult to keep a happy tune going when the diva is distraught.

Being available to someone, in the way that they need is a great skill and harder to do then surfing in marshmallow cream. It may look easy when a professional does it, but for most of us mere mortals it is hard to stay up when the ground is soft, sticky and unstable. It is almost impossible when the support appears to be or is unappreciated. Regardless of how tough it can be during times of trial, real love is enough. That does not mean that deep and painful feelings will disappear with a hug and a kiss. Only little boo-boo’s are soothed so easily. But knowing that before the nasty patch showed up, someone was there - and will continue to be there during and after - is a kind of embrace that is like no other. The trouble is, it takes the partner, within the middle of the storm, to recognize the level of love that is being given and not just take for granted.

Darling Adam, Boys and Girls, there are some things that a partner, as loving and supportive as they can be, can not do for another person. That is where the self must step in and sing not only alone, but a capella. Sometimes there is no music and all is silent except for a single inner voice raised to ask its questions, scream its anger and then find its own notes of peace.

Have a naughty day!