Three Days to Somewhere

Dear Miss Kitty,
My wife thinks I am not spontaneous anymore. She tells me that it is an important part of a relationship and I need to work on being more of free spirit. I agree that spontaneity is part of a relationship, but doesn’t the definition mean that the other person doesn’t get to “organize” the “spontaneous” event? I would be spontaneous, if she would let it happen!
Mark and Jenny - Santa Barbara



Dear Mark and Jenny,
It would seem that in the beginning, at the start of a relationship, spontaneity is a willing little participant: always eager and helpful to make a good time even more exciting, and mysteriously better. Then, as in so many aspects of a long-term relationship, our carefree friend gets shy, nervous and uncomfortable - and moves away to warmer and less impulsive climes. So why does this once happy and easygoing creature, a crucial spicy ingredient of the early days, decide to pack up its few belongings and move away?

Could it be that the last time she suggested they take the long -road home, he sighed, rolled his baby blues towards heaven and kept on driving? Could it be that she loudly complained about “timing” when he slyly slipped a couple of great concert tickets out of his pocket, announcing that they had 30 minutes to get to the show? It seems that when it comes to making spontaneity work spontaneously, there are a few ground rules – which, as usual, are based on accepting your person with gratitude as they truly are.

Can you imagine how many marriages would fail to take place, or at least be delayed a while, if there was a “mutual flexibility” test prior to either marriage or shacking up? No, this is not a platform for yet another ludicrous reality show; it is a hypothetical device to find out if partners are truly compatible. A car, some cash and a basic map are included in the package. No pre-arranged accommodations or GPS equipment are allowed. The couple is now free to explore just how spontaneous they are, how equal is the give and take in the relationship, and find out just who (hopefully no one) is in charge.

This test must be conducted at the crucial time – after dating for a while, and prior to co-mingling, because in the early days, our test would just be one room, room-service and no travel time at all! That is not a test, but a three day love-fest , when everyone is on their picture-perfect behavior - and proves nothing except that room service French fries are never hot. The road test insures that tempers will be tested, personal likes and dislikes will clearly be displayed and best of all, the real ebb and flow between the couple will be impossible to fake. (Three days of Metallica blasting on a car CD (when Madonna is preferred by the other listen-ee) have broken up many a Romeo and Juliet!)

Want to take the test? Wish you had? Since the test has just been invented here by yours truly, we’ll assume you haven’t taken it. The apparent lack of spontaneity in a relationship is a clue: that had you taken the road less traveled, you just might have a different co-pilot. Which means, if you decide to “work” on the highly valued skill of unpremeditated action, you practice knowing that your partner will be receptive and accepting. Regardless of how intact one’s ego is, there is a crushing microsecond when an ill received idea bites the dust because it isn’t received with joyful surprise, and simultaneously so does the next time someone is willing to take a risk and be naturally spontaneous.

It is up to both the spontaneous-or and the spontaneous-ee to be kind with each other, and welcoming of the other person’s loving risk. Like accepting and believing that getting up in the middle of the night, packing a picnic and taking a walk (without a map) is a great idea. A bit tired in the morning? Don’t you wish!

Have a naughty day!