Father's Day Love and Secret Codes

Dear Miss Kitty,
I met a woman I really like. I could love her. However, I have not been successful in any relationships yet. My dad left when I was 10 and my mom raised me and my brothers alone. Do you think this has anything to do with why I don’t do well in relationships?
A.J., Santa Barbara




Dear A.J.,
It is widely known that the state of our relationships is vastly affected, in both positive and negative ways, by what we observed as children. If we were lucky enough to see real love in action, in words and deeds, we are more likely to have set a premium on believing that this high level of love in our adult life is easily attainable.

Does having a good example of what we want mean we are better equipped to find it? Does growing up with a working model mean we understand and can recognize love, or the lack of it? What happens if the blueprint for respectful romance was never drafted for our future reference? Does this mean we are doomed to never experience a healthy love, no matter what? When it comes to believing in, finding and making love last, recognizing what love is based on having real-world examples is the first step. Looking back at what our child-self decided love was, is the second and giving love with compassionate grace is the third.

Love has as many facets as there are people on this planet, maybe more since love has been around as long as there have been people. As children, when we looked past our grubby Winnie-the-Pooh at the adults who came and went, we picked up not-so-subtle clues about which interactions worked - and which didn’t. If we saw conflict followed by peaceful, healthy resolution, we are today more likely to trust that conflict is safe. Being fearless in the face of what we perceive as adverse is the most affirmative action we can emulate. What we learn from practicing courage is there is nothing that two people who love each other cannot work through - and come out the other side stronger, closer and even more in-love.

Not all aspects of love are so clear cut and as kiddies, we are little copy-cats – and seeing a grown man show respectful and joyful love towards his partner is a huge leg up on teaching little girls what to look for in a future mate and gives little boys more than a few of the secret codes that make a great man. That doesn’t mean that having observed a great relationship second-hand makes it easy to find one. One can have the ultimate best in fathers (like yours truly) and still have trouble ciphering though what real love is.

Knowing what a great man is does not guarantee that one will easily find him, but carrying a torch for what one ultimately believes is possible does stack the odds more than a bit.

Can you be a great man if you haven’t seen a great man? Can bearing witness to a terrible relationship or a mediocre parody of love teach that love is possible and a worthy life long mission to accomplish? Does the “absent father” - the phantom responsible for a never-ending list of questions regarding the guidelines and hallmarks that make an exemplary man - make it just as possible to learn what love is as the “hands on” always-there dad? Absolutely!

It comes down to this, Darling Boys and Girls and A.J. Once again, even though some of us are lucky enough to have a leg up on the system through early examples, we are all now on our own to figure out and discover what works for us. The message is clearly defined: we can look to the positive and negative role models of the past and learn. We can learn by example as easily as we can learn by a lack of one, as long as we are willing to learn - and believe - that love is always worth it.

For my dad, Ronald Doctors and all Dads, Step Dads, Grand Dads and Dads of Dogs and Cats… showing us how to be a great man by example -a great big kiss for father’s day!