Rules of engagement and Engaging Rules During Times of Peace

Dear Miss Kitty,
My husband thinks is it unreasonable for me to want him to call when he is leaving work. I know this isn’t a big thing, nor am I making it one, but I don’t think it is asking all that much and it is a ritual that makes me feel good. When he gets home, a lot is usually going on with the kids, etc and this short time to connect and see how the day went is nice. He doesn’t seem to understand and feels it is checking up on him in some way. How do you vote?
Sharon S, Goleta

Dear Sharon,
Although not always observed, the official rules about arguing between couples are documented fairly well. Fighting fairly means refraining at all costs from saying nasty, below the belt comments about your significant others family, friends, pets and ancient articles of clothing. Yes, those beloved sweats are as off limits as mom and her famous cool-whip and unsalted-peanut butter pie. As satisfying as it can feel at the moment of delivering an “accurate”, yet uncomfortable truth, the reality is, if it doesn’t REALLY need to be said, don’t indulge your inner snippy self and say it.

That doesn’t mean however that in times of peace, letting go is always the best method of interaction. If something matters to you, it counts. In fact, letting go too much, being too amenable, if you don’t REALLY mean it, just allows peace to grow wings and fly out the window.

We all have our standards, known or under revision, about what makes us feel right in the world and with our partner. When we can make a difference by giving, not giving in, we are fortifying our relationship so that the present and the future is being fed by a constant stream of healthy, happy and contented behaviors.

So where do we stand on what is reasonable and acceptable when it comes down to the rules of daily engagement? Does calling your wife when leaving work remind you of checking in with your parents? Does it feel like just one more thing you HAVE to do? Are you just being difficult because she does something you don’t like? If there is something that niggles us uncomfortably in the tummy or we feel resistant to complying, we need to look inside ourselves and see just why that phone call, that kiss when we leave, that toilet seat thing is made into a much bigger issue than it really is.

If the little things are making us stamp our feet in not-so-secret ways, what happens when big resistance meets big problems? When love is held ransom so someone can get their way regardless of the cost, it is the beginning of the end.

Acknowledging what makes someone else’s day is the beginning. Since we have the ability to ennoble, honor and appreciate each other in so many ways, why not do so by giving someone what they need? It isn’t really hard, when you really love someone. Think of it as smart daily practice so the dogs of war never make your relationship their permanent battlefield.

Have a naughty day!