A not so naughty day!

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been dating a man for the last year and a half. We see each other about 3 times a week, take trips, dine out, and have a lot in common. The thing is, he refers to me as his “girlfriend” - and I don’t want a boyfriend because I don’t want to feel that I can’t date just in case I meet someone that suits me even better. Isn’t this a realistic and fair way to have a relationship? Always a paragon of relationship morals, I am curious about your take on this.
Deborah


Dear Deborah,
When you add up all that works between you, divide that by relationship longevity and multiply by the amount of “couplish” thing you do, confusion can reign when both of you get a different number on your side of the relationship equation. It seems that even with a VERY clear understanding between the partners, if the calculated scales are not even-steven, someone is going to get hurt or angry some where down the line. Because when it looks, walks and talks like a relationship, it generally is one.

There is a trendy philosophy that says we need to be responsible for our own emotional well-being and let others do the same. Just how much of that is actually as kind, caring and evolved as it sounds? When Miss K was a mere kitten there was a note stuck on the refrigerator door reading, “Your liberties are measured by your responsibilities.” This is a noble motto to not only live by, but to embrace as a moral safety net when traipsing though the land-mine-laden relationship territory. Lives that are cleanly lived in regard to others, as well as ourselves give us a much better nights sleep and bonus karma points to use as needed.

A safe but hardly lightweight question to ask yourself is: Would you like to date yourself? Now imagine - would you like to date yourself if you also knew that you were not being entirely forthright about your intentions? If you have more than a vague idea that your partner is in love with you, hopes for a long lasting relationship, or has more in mind than a very casual liaison, and you are interested in none of the above at the present, you might want to think about taking a leave of absence until you do know. Ten to one says, if he or she did know EVERYTHING you were thinking or doing, they might not be quite so keen on the arrangement.

As an ultimate check and balance system pretend your “friend” is feeling friendly and also somewhat ambivalent towards you. Do you like it? Didn’t think so. It doesn’t feel good, because inherent in duplicity of any kind, is a - not surprising - lack of anything feeling remotely good.

Dear Boys, Girls and Deborah: In your dreams you might be able to hear your man order his drink, shaken not stirred, or you might be able to have your non-cooking girlfriend be a soul sister of Martha Stewart with three hundred amazing cookie recipes, but fully awake (which is how you should live your life at all times), know without any doubt you can not change other people, unless they are up for the change themselves and even then, it can take considerable time - or never end up happening at all. So what you have, right now, is what you get, right now and for the future.

That being said, it is naive and egotistic of us to think that our actions do not affect the feelings of others, even when we don’t think they know what we are thinking or doing. Sticks and stones and the real truth all can hurt - but lack of full disclosure can induce much more severe, and longer lasting pain.

Our responsibility to other human beings, especially in the vulnerable underbelly of relationships, is to either openly and honestly disengage - or be there, committed, for the whole kit and caboodle.

Have a not so naughty day!