Miracle Grow and Getting Out

Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now. He was very enthusiastic about the relationship when it was new, and although we don’t fight or argue he seems really bored. Do you think he is bored with me or the relationship?
Laura C.


Dear Laura,
Boredom is a lot like luck: we make our own. So first of all, lets take you out of the picture (don’t worry this is not permanent unless you want it to be). Let’s assume without you he has the same job, the same friends, and the same general pattern of daily life. Is he bored now? If you answered yes, the boredom factor belongs to him and him alone. If he can’t be bothered to water his lawn it is going to go brown and die - and there is no magic “miracle grow” named Laura that is going to help! If you think he wouldn’t be bored, then perhaps aspects of the relationship are making him feel like he needs to hold back what would be his “real” life because he is worried how that would impact you. Scared? Be brave and read on.

The best relationships that I have witnessed have something in common. The ability to accept the needs of the individual as well as the needs of the couple, in equal doses. Here is a test: encourage him to do something with his friends. No, you don’t get to go out with your friends on the same night. You stay home and indulge in something nice, but you stay in so he doesn’t have to think about what you are doing or why all of a sudden you are so amicable to his going out. Did I mention you are JUST fine with this? If the relationship is healthy you have nothing to lose and lots to gain. If one evening playing poker or a weekend fishing trip puts the swagger back in his step, you might be on to something.

When in the hot and sweaty or sweet and romantic clutches of new love, it is easy for everything to seem special. Even washing the dishes together by hand can easily turn into the adult version of Snow White and the 7 dwarfs… but after the three-month milestone something changes. It seems to change for most couples every 3 months for the first year, and if you are still together, every year of so after. We settle in and trade making pancakes naked (remember the syrup) and pillow talk that lasts till 4am for pizza and diet soda and lights out at 9:00pm. (And don’t think that early bedtime is set so you can rumple the sheets! Your bedtime – one of those basics of life that doesn’t take into account how much TLC a relationship really needs to thrive – often becomes another cause of a relationship’s erosion).

One of the things that makes the early days so exciting is that we are leaning all about our new “friend.” We haven’t heard the same story over again yet because there are so many stories to listen to. When we spend more and more time together, we have shared adventures to enjoy and replay over and over for mutual amusement. Bringing our daily lives back home to rehash at the end of the day is also fine for awhile, but even that doesn’t usually make the papers or doesn’t hold much in the way of interest all the way through dessert and coffee.

We all need to have adventures away from the cave and separately or we have nothing to bring back to the campfire to share. To not do so means we do not continue to grow and be the amazingly fascinating person that our lover became enthralled with months or years ago.

So darling Boys, Girls and Laura - to get a true meter reading on the boredom factor or any factor that is not positively affecting your relationship, use the “you go and play by yourself” test and see what happens. Remember: “Absence does make the heart grow fonder”. For you naughty readers that just threw in “out of sight out of mind”, that is another test - a very good one that can uncover the kind of relationship you don’t need.

Have a naughty day!