Defense, offense, and when to make a play!

Dear Miss Kitty,
I was married for 19 years, and recently became single. The last time I was dating, personal ads were for the people that couldn’t get a date. I hear times have changed, and I am open to Internet dating, but I wonder if it is safe and what is the best way to go about it?
Candy



Dear Candy:
It is currently in-vogue for people to say that there are only two things in the world: fear and love - and that everything emanates from one of these two factors. Common belief is widespread that fear-based decisions are as dreadful as a squirrel running out of lightly salted nuts mid-winter. For a wild thing in the forest, the only way to survive is on a steady diet of fear, and love will never, regardless of the cuteness factor, save your tail. So, if dating is indeed a jungle, when and where does it make sense to use fear - the instinctual part of us that saves our fluffy tail -when needed?

When we have narrowly escaped the confines of yet another mediocre relationship, or extricated ourselves from the long-term gallows of a big ticket learning experience, we find ourselves in the untamed and scary hunting wilderness once more. Dating protocol, like modern technology is a continuing evolving process. Not only do you have to know what you want before you start, be savvy enough to read between the match lines, and discerning enough to get out of dodge quickly, without catching your tail in the door if you want to make a swift getaway!

That being said, online dating is a blessing, not a curse as so many “new” daters, from the Dynasty era (Alexis Carrington, not Ming) might think. Once upon a time, “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this” was considered a quasi-intellectual opening line. But just as big shoulder pads and Farah Fawcett hair will not get you the ohhhhh and ahhhhhs it once did, neither will using archaic, out-of-style dating techniques.

How we date gets the most improved in the last 20 years award from the Kitty in City “Annual improvements we can’t live without” contest. So, while humming Jenny’s phone number or singing along to The Cars vinyl, peruse the possibilities of dating online, along with the first part of the official MK “Guide to Keyboard Love” series, which débuts right now. This week we will concentrate on pictures, which seem to cause high levels of anxiety and since a picture says a thousand words, that’s a great place to start.

When painting the Mona Lisa, there were certainly a few moments when Mona was having a bad hair day. We don’t see that on the canvas, because Leonardo had the sense to take those days off and wait for things to improve. People posting pictures of them selves online are not always so wise. Perusing the online photo galleries, we run across the very dated (Farah Fawcett hair in 2007?), the slightly inappropriate (“here I am with Rico the stripper at my bachelorette party”) and the “my friends took this when I wasn’t looking, but I don’t have anything better and you should look beyond a picture anyway”…photos.

Within reason, looking beyond a picture is good advice. Professional models take hundreds of photos to get a few good ones, so it goes without saying that we mere mortals are doing pretty well if we get something with a digital camera on a local beach that doesn’t cause major embarrassment It takes practice to become really comfortable in front of the camera. Just ask Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. The most important aspect in this case, is a decent, current picture. It’s only fair - and that prospective web God or Goddess is going to know if you Photoshop your head onto Brad Pitt’s body or use the overly-costly senior pic from your “innocent” glory days. For you men, a montage of your “action man” lifestyle is not as appreciated as you might think, nor is you getting cozy with a previous lover (even if their face is blacked out) in the one “tux” shot you have. In fact, unless you really are James Bond, a tux shot is not necessary.

Pictures of your travels are interesting, but even smarter to use if you have actually been there, and it’s always good to limit the GQ poses, even if you are reclining in a Venetian gondola! Photos that only mothers can love, should be given the acid test from your true friends. It might be cute on mom’s Christmas cards, but to the cyber masses, it’s like garlic and a silver cross to Dracula.

For the ladies, only one yoga pose, one cat picture - and look like your self, not a victim of the cosmetics counter during Lancome free gift week. Chant after me: I am a beautiful goddess in my semi-natural state, I am a beautiful goddess in my semi-natural state. DO this 13 times and then have a no-fat fake-cream no-sugar latte on me.

Looking into the details of a picture can give crucial information. Ten pictures of you and Spot are a good indicator that spot takes pride in his place on your bed and ALWAYS will. Countless pictures of you with a beer in your hand and a Girls Gone Wild T-Shirt on will not elicit the kind of response that will lead you to the altar, if that is where you would like to be going. And speaking of altars, having clear intent about what you want to do in the big, wide world of dating is great - but so is the fun and interesting journey to finding just what that might be.

Stay tuned for next Friday’s gripping and informative Miss Kitty’s “Guide to Keyboard Love” chapter two: “What you think you want and what you really want”. Until then -

Have a naughty day!