Bodesatva on Elm Street and the lifeboat of deeper commitment

Dear Miss Kitty,
My GF and I just moved in together. I still love her but I don’t know if I am, “in love” with her. What happened? Why did it go away? I thought this was going to be so good and we could get even closer?
Scott K



When starting a new job; before we fill in a W-2 and drink that very first cup of company-provided java, we have a good idea of what to expect. The manual is in black, white, and ten point type. As a relationship changes and the comfortable wading pool of dating turns into the more substantial yet potentially dangerous ocean of deeper commitment, there is no manual - and the only lifeboat is the basic foundation that is the relationships core.

The dating self that you were (hopefully) was the real you, but now needs some adjustment for the new venue. That doesn’t mean that you yourself have changed, but it is only natural that the new situation is going to bring unfamiliar things up for the both of you. Does maintaining your own true self, your single self, mean that is the best way to be? Maybe the transition time of deepening a relationship is the perfect time to take your own self awareness to a better place. That being said, whether dipping your toes for the first, second or third time, transition takes mutual courage. A first class ticket (treat each other very well) on a very slow boat (it is going to take time) is the safest way to get to the best possible destination: a new level of togetherness.

Thinking that you are going to live well together, without some uncomfortable adjustments along the way, is like listening to Steely Dan’s “Bodesatva” and thinking you’re a Buddhist. It takes dedication and good old fashioned time to harvest the nourishment that is a life partnership. There is no magic time capsule to whisk you ahead of the things, both the big and small that will raise their sneaky little tentacles out of the inky deep and try to draw you - if not under - at least off course.

Pleasing your partner in the beginning belongs to the innocence of newness. Aspects of pleasing each other become a scary change when all of sudden those antique candelabras, once lit up for a romantic passion-filled night are now referred to as “set decoration from of Nightmare on Elm Street”. All of a sudden what goes where or relegating your “art” to the back of the garage can be like a big dose of chlorine in the otherwise tranquil pool. The very same pool that you have previously enjoyed floating in together in lazy indulgence with nothing more on your mind than the pleasure of a wicked afternoon and a sun setting on another day of bliss.

The now chemically treated pool just may have fumes that leave your eyes stinging and you feel you must sit a day or so out of the pool as to not turn your hair and your feelings green.

Darling Boys, Girls and Scott, “in love” is a fragile animal that doesn’t do well under stress, even good stress. Falling in love, that will o the wisp state of amazement is the precourser to real love. Then, “being in love” holds hand with love for awhile, but eventually the milk and cereal that is day-to-day life makes it difficult to capture that in-love feeling on a daily basis. It still comes and goes in little moments and sometimes for extended periods of time, but it never feels like it did in the beginning - and it isn’t going to anyone.

Being in love is part-and-parcel to the excitement, raging passion, and the willingness to put daily life on hold. You can’t put daily life on hold for long, or you run out of clean socks and milk for the cereal. If you think what you have is greater than what you don’t, and can understand the fragile nature of the in love state, you might want to spend the emotional sweat equity and work on this relationship. The best part is you can only become a better person for the learning you will do, and whether the fruits of your climbing up and out of the primal relationship swamp benefit you now or later, you will be a better human for the experience.

Have a naughty day!